The Depths

i've always thought of the idea of death as a liberation from my deepest fears comforting. it's easy to distance yourself from it when it appears so distant, to only use its concept as an incomprehensible shield. but the act of living constantly bring you closer to its reality, and a violent enough, overwhelming will grief inevitably make this fragile idea of comfort shatter.

day after day, i can only witness the crumbling of the pillars supporting my emotional world. and to my surprise, this world connects to another: my physical self. emotions now become an excuse to torment my tangible shell, creating an infernal circle of suffering. and i realise i've already fell through this pit that used terrify me so much, and as i lost my ability to sleep, i suddenly found myself in front of the most terrifying, undescribable sight: the Depths. Dark, excruciatingly empty, endless. And i was only beginning to drift down there. I realized i was staring at possibly the most harrowing concept i've ever had to think about in my entire existence. And i panicked. Cried. Hurt myself. Like a wild animal caught in a trap. Anything to get out of it by all means necessary.

For days, a pain in my entire body from how tense my entire system was, impossible to sleep more than a few hours per day at best, this constant feeling that i'm dying, the terror of feeling like i'm still sinking. My entire brain resonating from anxiety at all time, the shivers, death coming, the fatigue, the fog, unable to eat, unable to walk, unable to think.

And every day feels like it's getting worse. And every day is a tiny bit better. And months pass, and suddenly i can sleep more than 5 hours. And suddenly i can go outside, eat an entire meal. I can think again, i can stand up without shaking, i can look in front of me and see something else than death. And it still feels like every day is getting worse. And every day is still a bit better. And every day the fog is still present, and the fatigue still creeps around. And i'm still at the mercy of my emotions.

Another day where i go to sleep. Another day where I can't stop thinking about it. And things will never be like they used to